I can’t remember many difficult parts about raising our three daughters. We didn’t expect the delight that an unexpected fourth daughter about 17 years later would bring. However, each one had a few challenges. Daughter 1 is now 43 years old and was strong-willed from the start. I guess she had to learn to self-manage early as we were young and inexperienced. Back then, we had friends trying to offer us advice about having a successful marriage and raising kids. Most of those couples have long been divorced. One couple never had kids but was the most adamant with their advice. As armchair philosopher, Erma Bombeck wrote, “The only parents who claim to know everything about kids, are those who never had them.” One hot topic regarding our first child was when to stop nursing. Some friends from La Leche League advocated nursing until the child wanted to stop. Hearing about mothers who brought their five-year-olds to the league’s meetings, still nursing them, turned us off to that idea.
When our daughter was about two, we left those friends and moved to Farmville Virginia for my job. In this locale, we didn’t have to worry about bad advice from friends because there were few prospects for them as we are a mixed-race couple. My wife is Chinese. We came across some people who still believed that such marriages should be illegal. Consequently, we had trouble finding decent housing and childcare opportunities. After a few unqualified sitters, we came across some young conservative Mennonite sisters dressed in bonnets and plain clothes at a yard sale in town. They were willing to do childcare at a reasonable rate and took very good care of our child when we went to work. Also, they offered to babysit after work but advised us not to tell them if we were going out dancing or to a bar, as these activities were against their beliefs. We did go out on some dates using their services, but fortunately, we didn’t have to avoid telling them the truth, as the town had no opportunities for those activities. They enjoyed dressing our daughter in a little custom-made Mennonite outfit. When my wife was ready to deliver our second daughter, we took them to the Mennonite women, who gladly kept them until we were discharged from the hospital. As she had a night delivery, there were no other babies born during that time. We instructed the nurses on duty to let my wife nurse her. But as they had nothing to do, they took turns bottle-feeding her all night. The idea of nursing this child was unfeasible after that, Those Mennonites were good people, but it would not have been a good fit for us to try and join their community or church, as we were modern and urban folks. They did concede that they heard there was a Mennonite Church in Richmond but said we would find it much different than theirs.
After less than two years, I got a better job offer in Richmond working in correctional education administration for Virginia, so, we moved our 2 young daughters to RVA. My wife even found a job there that eventually morphed into being similar to her field of expertise in international banking. It didn’t take long before we found some good childcare opportunities. We eventually joined a more modern-leaning Mennonite church there and started to fully participate in their activities. These people became many of our long-lasting friendships, and our young daughters enjoyed playing with others who were of the same age at church and in church summer camps. A few times, one of the girls cried after the week-long camping because they enjoyed it so much, they didn’t want to go home. They also developed friends from preschool—our first daughter still has a good friend she met in preschool.
Seven years after our firstborn, we had another daughter. Our neighbor in town kept the 2 younger girls while my wife gave birth, and they later became friends with their kids. Our two older girls helped us to take care of the third girl and kept her in line. I can’t think of any big discipline problems we had with any of them. Our ‘parent book’ rules (which they were suspicious of) insisted they keep their rooms clean, perform chores around the house, and do their homework before claiming any free time. I prepared a chores chart that they had to check off and inspect each night before they were released for free time. They were all consequenced with time outs for minor infractions. But I recall life at home as being rather harmonious. We took them on vacations at the beach and to see cultural, artistic, and musical events. I coached them in soccer and enrolled them in everything from ballet to girl scouts, to piano lessons. They were all high achievers in school, receiving much praise from their teachers.
As the two older girls moved into their teen years, they didn’t require much discipline. The worst cases I remember are where one daughter lied about staying over at one of her girlfriend’s houses; instead, they all stayed at a boy’s house, whose parents were away that weekend. We found out about this scam when one of the other girl’s parents called us in the middle of the night, asking if we knew where our daughters were. After we said we did not, she scolded us for not knowing this. But also admitted that she did not know where her daughter was Our daughter was consequenced for this, but it was a temporary privilege restriction. During this period, she tried to run away from home one afternoon because she thought my consequences for failing to bring a school behavior contract home were unfair. Even before we found out about it, the police spotted her a few miles away on Midlothian Pike and drove her back home. She said she was headed to visit her older sister who worked at a McDonald’s about 5 miles away to air her grievances against us. Not long after that, she decided not to go on a weeklong vacation with us. She said she made arrangements to stay with some verified female friends and their families. When we returned from the vacation, she broke down, stating that she did not have a good time at any of the 3 homes. She also admitted that we were far from being the worst parents in the world. As the three grew more into their teens, they all started having their own friends. Our oldest daughter, who at first dated some boys, eventually revealed to us that she was more attracted to girls. This was a big shock for us and we mistakenly discounted it at first, thinking it was just a phase. As time went on, her lesbian tendencies got more dominant, and we gradually accepted and continued to love her just as before. Our middle daughter, who was only two years younger, sometimes poached our older daughter’s friends. Other jealousies were forming between them on issues we didn’t know much about until they were adults—and some we still don’t know. We believe that some of these rivalries developed lifelong divisions that are still unresolved. Today, we are cognizant that we cannot resolve them though we have tried several tactics, including counseling sessions— which made everything worse!
In all honesty, the two older daughters may have even done more parenting our youngest one than we did. They taught her about our house rules and how to get around them. They demonstrated all the curse words she would need to know. But they also urged her to do well in school and be responsible. By the time our youngest was in her junior year in high school, she asked if we would consider hosting an exchange student for a year. The placement of a same-age 17-year-old girl from Italy was subsequently made. Aurora came to live with us in the summer before their senior year. This situation turned out to be extremely mutually beneficial for all during that year and thereafter. Soon after her term was completed, we went to Italy to spend time with her and her family. Over the years, we have been back there several times. Two years ago, she returned to attend my youngest daughter’s wedding in Maryland and visited with us in Richmond. This year, we were invited to her June wedding in Bologna, Italy. Of course, we accepted, and we will be staying with her and her family for about a week to help out with and attend the nuptial ceremonies. Earlier, I mentioned that we also had a fourth daughter, but only told you about the birth of three of them. However, if you go to Aurora’s Facebook page, you will see us listed as her American parents. So, we still regard her as our fourth daughter.
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